"Strip yourself of your former nature which characterized your previous manner of life ... and be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new nature created in God's image, in true righteousness and holiness." (Eph. 4:22-24)
"We've all been there" is probably a big assumption. So let me just share where I was in the hope that I'm not the only one. I had been hurt. (Who hasn't been, right?) And I had made the decision to forgive, to release it to the Lord, to not be controlled by feelings but moved to action through obedience to God's word. Forgive. So I did it and felt 50 pounds lighter. All was well for days, and then out of nowhere the situation popped back in my head. Before I knew it I was upset again, hurt again, angry and disappointed again. So, again, I chose to forgive. A few days ... maybe even a week went by when, POP! It came up again! Like an involuntary hurling of the stomach, there I was in the midst of all the yuck again. Even though I didn't want to, I kept succumbing to a bad stomach bug of the brain. What is wrong with me? I know I've forgiven this person, and yet I am convinced (or maybe Satan has me convinced) that I haven't or it wouldn't keep coming up. So I prayed ...
Lord, please help me! Tell me what I'm missing here. You have asked me to forgive, and I have ... or at least I think I have. Yet this situation keeps coming back to my mind, and the hurt plays out all over again. I keep reliving an episode I want to forget. What do I do to stop this and completely heal?
At the same time I was dealing with soap opera flashbacks, I also was dealing with my precious 15 year old daughter, Hannah who has Autism. Many times Autism is accompanied by other conditions like ADHD, anxiety, or OCD. My daughter was showing severe signs of both anxiety and OCD as she began picking at herself. She would get a place open and bleeding. Then it would scab over. Then she would pick at it again until it bled. Then it would scab. Then she'd pick. And on and on the cycle would go. The worst part about her problem was the number of times the area became infected and needed to be treated with antibiotics. The sad part (for me) was seeing my beautiful daughter's skin become more and more scarred by her continual picking.
Simultaneously, Emma, my vivacious, talkative, and geared toward theatrics 2 year old had become completely obsessed with band-aids. Not just ANY band-aids ... Disney Princess band-aids! It all started innocently enough. She got an owie. I put Neosporin and a band-aid on it. Viola! Every thing's better! But then it turned into a scab needed a band-aid; a bug bite needed a band-aid; a red spot needed a band-aid; and (my personal favorite) the invisible owie that needed a band-aid. "See it, Mommy? Right there. See it?!" Very cute and probably a stage most 2 year old little girls go through, but I knew it was time to set some guidelines with her about what kind of owies actually require a band-aid.
Anyway, so the weeks went by with one child picking her scabs and bleeding everywhere, and the other one wishing she was bleeding so she could get a band-aid! It was in the midst of feeling like I might lose it with these two that God answered my prayer. As He has done so many times, He used the thing I was focusing on with my kids to teach me about myself.
So one day while cleaning up Hannah's blood that was all over the floor and racking my brain of how I could get her to stop picking at her scabs - how to get her to completely heal - I realized I was a picker too. Unlike Hannah I was not a picker of physical wounds but of emotional ones. These hurtful situations were popping into my head and instead of reminding myself instantly that I had already forgiven and let go of it, I picked at it. I allowed it to stay, allowed it to play out in my head, allowed the bad feelings to come back. I picked apart what they said, what I said, what was done, what I should've said and done ... pick, pick, pick ... tormenting my own mind. The sad reality that became very clear to me is that, just like Hannah, we can re-open a wound so many times that we risk infection. We risk our own minds struggling with thought patterns that seem to always lead us back to the injustices this life has dealt us. We can pick off everything the Holy Spirit attempts to do to bring healing in that area. We can continue to pick until something that could have easily healed and left no mark becomes a huge ugly scar, and that scar becomes a part of the way we see ourselves, we see others, we see life.
Which brings me to Emma and her band-aids. If there's something I've learned from my 15 years of being a special needs mom it's that there will always be opportunities to be offended. I didn't start my journey feeling this way. It just happened over time. Owies began to accumulate and many times from the same source. Without even realizing it, I began to subconsciously anticipate the people and places I would likely encounter being hurt. My expectation of an owie was so solidified I began to bring Neosporin and band-aids with me everywhere I went. Scab, bug bite, red spot, and yes, the invisible owie - the offense never intended, but the one I took because I'd begun to look for them. My ultra-sensitivity to the situation with my children had seeped into me, transforming me into an ultra-sensitive person. First Corinthians 13:5 and 7 tell us that love "is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it" and "is ever ready to believe the best of every person."
Gosh, I can't tell you how anxious it makes me just to put this on paper and even think about putting it out there for others to read! Vulnerability like this can be scary, and yet I just know I'm not alone in this. If posting this leads to even one person seeing themselves and trusting in the faithfulness of God to help them strip off their old nature and put on their new one, it will be worth it. Because my friend, God does not want us to live like this. We want to tell ourselves we are protecting ourselves. We are preparing for what we know will happen because it always does, but truly this is fear masquerading as wisdom. This imprisoned way of thinking is not anywhere near the freedom we can have and are supposed to have in Christ. However, living in freedom requires being proactive.
I've come to learn that the mind can be in one of two states ... active or passive. An active mind is either positive or negative. A passive mind thinks on whatever pops into it, and that is just as dangerous as a negative mind. God's word is very specific about our thoughts, especially if we want to experience peace. "For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your minds on them). Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace will be with you." (Phil. 4:8-9) You see, it's not enough to empty ourselves of the negative. We must then be purposeful, active, and diligent to replace it with the positive.
The amazing news is we are not alone in doing this! As my Bible study class wraps up our study on Colossians the one phrase I have carried away is to continually seek and set. "If then you have been raised with Christ, aim at and SEEK the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. And SET your minds and keep them SET on what is above, not on the things that are on the earth. For you have died, and your new life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, Who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." (Col. 3:1-4) Everything God does for is, in us, through us is an incredible act of His grace - not something that can be earned. It's because of His great grace, as we seek and set our eyes on Jesus, we can be certain that even as He speaks to us through things as random as scabs, scars, and band-aids, He is lovingly and faithfully transforming us into His image - a work that will come to full completion when we appear with Him in glory!
I can think of no better way to wrap up this blog than this prayer by Stormie Omartian.
"Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things. Take my emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protectiveness, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with Your battering ram of revelation. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace, and joy. I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."
