The Life That Keeps Their Eyes on Jesus: A Tribute to My Mother

 

My mother was a remarkable woman. As I think about her most defining qualities, loving and nurturing stand out. Mom was a born nurturer and possessed the gift of discernment that is so needed to effectively nurture, and she excelled at anything remotely related to it. The obvious being her children. Mom loved children and actually preferred their company over adults. She could read a child like a book and always seemed to know what they needed. She knew if we needed a hug, a word of encouragement, a scolding, or a swat (or several swats) on our backside. And she spared nothing she truly knew we needed. I can hear her saying “I wouldn’t be doing my job as your mother if I let you get away with that.”

 

Her homemaking abilities were an extension of this gift of nurturing. Cleanliness, organization, home-cooked meals, and wholesome entertainment were all ways she provided an ample environment for her children to grow. My mother’s home was always neat, tidy, and meticulously clean. As us girls grew we all had our Saturday morning job that we did while listening to Christian music play from dad’s old turntable. All of us girls remember her saying, “Cleanliness is next to godliness.” (In case you’re curious, that scripture can be found in the Book of Marilyn.)

 

Another example of mom’s gift of nurturing was her garden. Mom had the most beautiful flowers, and just like with her children she always knew what they needed! She could grow anything and bring anything back from the brink of death. She watered, weeded, pruned, and even talked to her flowers. She always said they were like little faces looking up at her, thanking her for a drink. Hannah and Gabe love their classic Disney movies, and every time they watch the flowers in Alice in Wonderland sing “In the Golden Afternoon” I can’t help but think of mom.

 

You know, the Bible says “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” so I thought it might be insightful to share some “Marilynisms” with you. (Grand kids, pay close attention. You may hear your mom in some of these.)

 

-“You can do it. You come from good stock.”

-(When breaking up a sibling spat) “One day your sister will be your best friend.”

-(Before a spanking) “This hurts me more than it hurts you.”

-(Usually in reference to cleaning) “If you’re not gonna do it right, then don’t do it at all.” Apparently this was a figure of speech and not an actual choice. Ask me how I know!

-That must have been when she closed the loop hole with, “Anything worth doing is worth doing right, the first time.

-(On marriage and family) “The man is the head of the home, but the woman is the heart.”

-(On raising children) “Your children are a reflection of you.” (She also would say) “Children feed off of you. If you’re ok, they’ll be ok.”

 -(When encouraging us you would hear any one of these) “It will all come together. It will all work out. This too shall pass.”

-These next 2 aren’t quotes but were just so much a part of who my mom was and how she functioned that I have to share them. My mother could tolerate just about anything from us girls, but the one thing she did not tolerate was disrespect. Especially a lippy mouth! It was her trigger. Like, if you ever wanted to see someone go from Mary Poppins to the Incredible Hulk in 2.7 seconds, go there!

-My mother could give directions like no other person I’ve ever known. Let me see if I can come up with an example that does it justice … Ok, so you get out on the main drag and go down quite a ways. Then turn right at the yellow building that’s just passed the large oak tree; oh, and that cute little nursery with the pretty bugenvilija growing out front. But if you pass the flag pole you’ve gone too far.

-Mom was notorious for her ESP hindsight remarks too, and they always started with, “I just knew …”

-Along the same vain was “I wasn’t gonna say anything, but …” proceeded by exactly what she wasn’t going to say.

-When mom was going through breast cancer treatment and we talked about outcomes, I remember her saying, “Either way, I win.”

-On her birthday January of 2020, when I asked her if she wanted to have another birthday or just go home to be with Jesus she said, “I want whatever the Lord wants.” My mom didn’t just have faith; she had surrendered faith. A faith that knows God is a God of the miraculous as nothing is impossible for Him coupled with knowing God is a God of the mysterious as His thoughts and ways are higher than ours.

-This last one was something she said often to help redirect our focus in times of trouble. As an adult, she also wrote it as a reminder in every birthday card I ever got from her; “Keep your eyes on Jesus.”

 

And it’s this “Marilynism” that I believe really defined my mom’s life. You see, mom did not live an easy life. She had more than her fair share of traumatic events and many heartbreaks. As a child it was easy to take my mom’s resilience for granted, but as an adult this is the quality I admire most about her. She was steadfast, long-suffering, and had the patience of a saint; in a word – persevering. Looking back on my mom’s life; how does one face so many challenges and difficulties with such calm and ease? How does one choose to repeatedly forgive and offer another chance with such grace and dignity? How does one do all those things and still do all the other things she did? And as I ponder this I believe the truth is found in those 5 little words that became her motto … Keep Your Eyes on Jesus. Simply put, mom’s life path had made her an expert on abiding.

 

You know, God reveals Himself in His creation, and whether consciously or subconsciously, I believe mom found peace and tranquility in her garden because it illustrated Biblical truth to her. As she pruned plants, her soul identified with Jesus as the vine, her as the branch, and God as the Master Gardener of it all. Pruning requires skill. Cutting off something that’s dead is beginner level gardening. But trimming away what’s healthy and producing so it will produce more?  That’s master level gardening. I can imagine momma both lovingly and skillfully trimming a plant. I can even hear her say, “This hurts me more than it hurts you, but you wait and see you’ll be even more beautiful because of it.” I wonder if the Lord ever whispered those words back to her soul as He trimmed things from her life. I’ve experienced it too many times in my own personal walk to think for 2 seconds that He didn’t. And I think it was what gave her peace, strength, and the ability to trust.

 

As I went back over what I wrote for dad’s service almost 9 years ago in preparation to write this, I found a common theme. Grace. It is certainly not lost on me that if indeed dad was the recipient of such lavish grace, it was only the grace of God that allowed mom to pour it out to him. And this is the result of one who lives a life with their eyes on Jesus. This is the display of one who has submitted to God’s ways over their own; who has chosen to abide in Him and knows from start to finish their faith is only a result of Christ within them and nothing they can take credit for themselves. It is a humility that deeply grasps “but for the grace of God, there go I” another saying of mom’s. One who lives their life with their eyes on Jesus realizes they are not the source but a vessel. And oh what freedom is found there because it’s only in that knowledge that the striving ceases and we enter God’s rest.

 

Everything mom needed to live her life the Lord poured out on her as she looked to Him, abiding in Him knowing apart from God she could do nothing, but in Him, she could do anything she was called to do.

 

What a life! What a journey! What a spiritual marathon! What an example she set, and what a legacy she leaves for us. Lord, thank you for the gift of my mother. I could not have chosen a better one. And mom, goodness how I love you and already miss you, but I know there’s a part of you that will always be with me until we are together again.

 

 

Crisis of Faith

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  - Romans 8:28

Have you ever been there? You know, where what you've always believed of God is not lining up with what you are experiencing of God? I think every believer can pinpoint a moment where their faith has been tested and refined. And gosh, is it hard?! An unfaithful spouse, a wayward child, a bankruptcy or foreclosure, some sort of abuse, a diagnosis, an untimely death of a loved one. When things like these hit our lives we better believe Satan would like nothing more than to allow it to pull us away from God. To be angry with God. To decide God is not trustworthy. And if all those things go unchecked, eventually for us to denounce God. Make no mistake, friend. Satan's goal is to steal, kill, and destroy just as John 10:10 says. He will steal that precious thing from you. He will try to use it to kill your relationship with God as you mull over all your questions about why God allowed it and why He didn't stop it. And He will wait for you to decide to walk away from God over it, destroying the promise of heaven for you - an eternal damnation of your soul. Satan is cunning, He is patient, and He is a complete deceiver, manipulator, and liar. (John 8:44).  It's who he is. It's how he works.

So how do we stop this from happening? First, recognize seasons when you are "at risk." Have you recently experienced a tragedy, a loss, a disappointment. Something that keeps coming up in you? Something you can't quite shake? Something that's causing you to become angry, bitter, to question God about? Even more dangerous signs are you've stopped praying, reading your Bible, going to church. Maybe you can't even listen to a pastor or praise and worship music anymore because you are so upset that the words are not lining up with what you are experiencing about God? Maybe you've even isolated yourself? Recognize you are at risk and acknowledge it to God.

Second, grieve. Grieve the loss of that thing. Allow yourself to genuinely mourn the person, the relationship, the life you thought you would have. Be real with yourself and take your real feelings to God. Friend, He already knows everything you are thinking and feeling. (Ps. 94:11). He is big enough to handle your feelings and your questions. Go to Him with them. DO NOT allow them to take you away from Him. The Biblical accounts of Jacob (Genesis 32) and Job are two wonderful examples of wrestling with God, of getting real with Him. You'll notice God doesn't shy away. He doesn't sugarcoat their experience. He stays right there with them, and makes Himself known. Not answers always known. Always Himself known. 

I realize where you sit right now that may seem like little to no consolation, but can I tell you something, promise you something, God is really all you need. Outside of experiencing this for yourself, I know it sounds like some spiritual platitude, but hear me out. God's assurance in an uncertain situation is really what you need. God's forgiveness, mercy, and grace in the things you get wrong is really what you need. God's faithfulness in the midst of devastation is really what you need. God's presence in the fire of troubles or pit of hopelessness is really what you need. God's peace that passes all understanding when you can't make heads or tails out of life is really what you need. The hope that only God's promises bring is really what you need. His deep and abiding love which nothing can separate you from is really what you need. You really need what only He can give you! 

The very best way to get to know Him and rehearse who He is in preparation for or in the midst of difficult times is to read His Word. In dark times we are tempted to define God by our feelings, by our pain, by our experiences. Don't do it! It's a trap of the enemy. That is the time to take every thought captive just as 2 Corinthians 10:5 instructs. But how can you take every thought captive if you don't KNOW the truth of God's Word? Get in your Bible and allow it to define who God is.

Well, at this point you might have guessed that I too have experienced a crisis of faith. If you're new to this blog, my crisis of faith happened back in 2003 when my now 20 year old daughter was diagnosed with Autism. I spent about 2 years of my life experiencing many of the things I listed above. I was so depressed. So much so that I look back now and it's all a blur. I honestly don't really know how I made it through other than God's faithfulness. (Totally ironic, huh?) I remember feeling like everything I ever thought I knew about God was being stripped away, and my only vivid memory was the day I came face to face with wondering if I could even count on salvation being real! Yes, it got that bad. As I sat  in a crumpled heap in the middle of my daughter's bedroom floor the cross came to my mind. Good Friday. The willingness of Jesus to give His life in such a horrific way. The love of a Savior, MY Savior, that held Him there enduring hours of an excruciating death. The best way I know to describe the experience I had in that moment is the song lyrics by Chris Tomlin, "And if I never, never lose sight of this place. I will never, never lose sight of Your grace. Your cross is all, All I need to see. Oh, praise the God of Calvary." 

This year, today in fact, Good Friday just happens to coincide with the day the world observes Autism Awareness. Oh my! Oh goodness! I love that the thing that caused a crisis of faith for me is falling on the day that solidified my faith. I love that they are meeting face to face again. I love that undoubtedly and undeniably my faith, because it was tested, is so much stronger. That it easily wins out in expectant anticipation of all God has promised because of all Jesus did. I love that I know that one day very soon, whether this life or the next and for all eternity, the knee of Autism will bow to the name of Jesus, the Name above all other names! (Phil. 2:10). I love that I know this victory in Jesus is mine, is my daughter's, and now my son's who was also diagnosed with Autism in 2012. And I think God loves that I can rejoice in it NOW. I think God looks down and says, "That's my girl, my daughter." Oh, how we make our Father proud and honor Him when we trust completely with blind faith even when we don't have all the answers or the time table. (Heb. 11:6).  And oh, how utterly confounded and defeated our enemy is when he sees his demonic schemes have not worked and that we are actually bringing more glory to God than if he would have never messed with us to begin with! (Phil 1:28) Don't you love that? I do! 

On this Good Friday can I tell you too that it both humbles and comforts me that I can identify with Jesus' disciples that also experienced a crisis of faith all those years ago. Jesus warned them the night before that they would all fall away, and they all vehemently denied such a thing would happen. I'm sure they too felt that what they thought they knew about Jesus was not lining up with what was happening. God already knows the things that will happen in our life that will cause a crisis of faith for us. He knows that Satan intends to sift us like grain, but He also intercedes on our behalf that our faith not fail and that "when you yourself have turned again, strengthen and establish your brethren." (Luke 22:31-32). These Biblical accounts of those who came before us should serve to prepare us that we too are likely to face situations that God intends to use in a similar way. The purifying of our faith is never all about us. God has a bigger picture in mind! Turn again and strengthen and establish your brothers and sisters in their spiritual walks.

You know, I heard a pastor say once that Christians don't get different life experiences than everyone else; they get the same life experiences but walk them out differently. That's what should set us apart from the world - how we allow God to help us handle what we are given. Believe me, when others watch you walk out the same stuff they are going through but with peace, hope, contentment, and even joy they want to know what's different about you - what you have that they don't have. God gets glory in that, and our lives become a living sacrifice when they do that. 

So, what's your crisis of faith? Friend, stop beating yourself up over what you cannot do for yourself, and take it to the foot of the cross. Surrender it to Him along with all your feelings about it, rest in all He's already done for you, and know He's not done working in that situation. (Phil. 1:6). Know that as surely as His Sunday came, your Sunday is coming too! God wants to use your experience. He wants to use you. There is a lost, hurting, fearful, and dying world out there, and Jesus doesn't just have what they need - He IS what they need! Will you allow Him to work this thing for your good? Will you be a willing vessel for His glory? Will you surrender your will for His Kingdom plans and purposes? You can trust Him with all of it. You're His child. He loves you!

Need proof? 

Look no further than the cross of Calvary. 

*God of Calvary by Chris Tomlin, 2016

 

Perspective

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."  -Abraham Lincoln

Perspective. It's a powerful thing because your perspective is your reality. Where we get in trouble is thinking our perspective is truth. Perspective can be based in fact but not necessarily truth. (And by the way I must insert here to beware of new age thinking about "speaking your truth." By all means, speak your perspective, but know there is only one truth. As Believers we must constantly be in that Truth, seeking that Truth, and getting into agreement with the Truth.)

When I started this blog site back in 2012 my main reason was to help me process this journey and to help in documenting my kid's progress. Now, 8 years later, I'm realizing I'm really documenting my own process of a perspective shift in coming to terms with my divine assignment of "special needs mom." Don't get me wrong, the kids have progressed ... some. Gabe has made the most gains as he now has some language when he wants something and is prompted to communicate his needs. And just this past week I got to see my husband play catch with his 10 year old son for the very first time!! I nearly cried, but didn't as I was sure it would lead to tears from my hubby as well. But we both felt the bigness of this milestone ... a connected, turn-taking, enjoyable shared experience, and it was so precious.

In many ways we have our daughter, Hannah, to thank for the perspective shift that ushered in the full enjoyment of that experience. Progress for her has been small and very "one step forward, two steps back." Most of the changes we've seen with her have been behavioral rather than academic and possibly only the product of maturation. None the less, we are still grateful as it has brought much relief to our family and how we function.

When she was first diagnosed my perspective was "She will live with us forever. We will never be empty nester's. We won't be able to travel in our retirement years." Pretty selfish thoughts, I know, but I was grieving what I thought my life would look like. Then came puberty and some of the scariest behaviors you could imagine!! My heart sank realizing if this continued there was no way she could stay in our home long term. Now she is in such a different place it's amazing, and I gladly see a future with her in our home.

I'm pretty sure God knew that hard season had to happen. It had to be part of our experience in order to change our perspective. And truthfully, the more I've thought on it, it seems perspective far outranks circumstances on God's priority list of things to change. It's not that God doesn't care about our circumstances. He does! It's that if He can teach us His truth, His perspective, on how to look at life's circumstances then there is absolutely nothing this fallen world and Satan can throw at us that cannot be overcome. As hard as this is to accept about His ways it is truly beautiful. Imagine one's surprise in starting out a journey that they are certain will conclude one way (the only way they think they can find happiness), only to find joy and contentment in a completely different outcome!

This is the result of God changing perspective, not circumstances, and it reminds me of Mark 4:26-27 the kingdom of God is like a man who scatters seed upon the ground and then continues sleeping and rising night and day while the seed sprouts and grows and increases - HE KNOWS NOT HOW. Many times in my life I've looked back and wondered how I've gotten this far, what produced such change in my life that I hardly recognize the person I once was, and what I do recognize of the old me that is now gone, I'm so incredibly thankful for! It is mostly a gradual process and yet there are moments I can pinpoint as markers along the way. The end of 2019 brought about one of those marker moments.

My husband and I knew a move was coming. As we anticipated this move my prayer was "Please not December, Lord. Not Christmas. It's such a busy time, God. November would be good! But please pick any month but December." (I'm chuckling as I type this because I know you already know what I'm gonna say next!!) To my dismay but not to my surprise our move ended up being the first week in December. I remember my husband delivering the news to me and confess of my pity-party prayer to God later that day which went something like this ... "Thanks a lot, God. There are 11 other months in the year to choose from, but noooo. It couldn't be one of those months! It just had to be December. Why, God? You know all the challenges our family has, how hard this transition will be for the kids, and all the extra work of the holidays, but You'd have us move in December just before Christmas! Why?" (I'm still chuckling because some of you are laughing knowing exactly what I mean and others are pretending they've never had a conversation like that with God!)

Anyway, in that moment I was stuck on Christmas ... stuck on our family spending Christmas in transition. Transition.

Christmas

in

transition.

As a special needs mom I already have a love/hate relationship with that word. Ask any special needs parent and they'll tell you transitions are one of the biggest things our kiddos struggle with. And here I am, a grown "typical" (whatever that is) woman, and I am struggling with Christmas in transition. 

It was then in God's mercy that He flashed scenes of the first Christmas in my mind. Of Joseph. Of Mary. Of the unborn Savior. Of the long journey to Bethlehem. A journey they didn't want to make but had to make. The first Christmas was a Christmas in transition, and not only in the physical sense that I'm describing to you! The first Christmas was a spiritual transition! Think about it. It changed EVERYTHING!!! And suddenly the Holy Spirit's loving reprimand of this mom's pity party brought a peace and a calm and a knowing that everything would be all right. That this move was exactly when it needed to be, and that it would change everything.

I'm still in awe as I look back over how our move all came together. All the obstacles that had to be overcome. All the people who stepped up to help our family. A dear friend pointed out that as much as my children love Christmas this might be the perfect time to move! Seeing the Christmas tree and decorations might actually help make the transition from the only home they have ever known to the new one much easier, and as she spoke those words I knew she was right.

The kids have adjusted seemingly effortlessly. Our family had one of the sweetest Christmases I can remember, and all it took was an adjustment in perspective. My perspective. Thank you, Lord, for your willingness to challenge my perspective in order for me to live in Your Truth.

Fair Feathered Faith

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

While sitting at breakfast a few weeks ago, my little Kindergartner Emma, was telling me all about bones in the body. She excitedly prattled on about her arm bones, leg bones, tummy bones, and head bones. Looking down at our dog, who always patiently sits under the table waiting for something yummy to drop, she said, "Mommy, do dogs have bones?"

I responded in the affirmative as I quickly Googled dog skeletons for her to see. She then wanted to see a cat skeleton ... and a mouse skeleton ... etc, etc. It slowly evolved into a game of me showing her a skeleton and her guessing what animal it was. Fun and educational. A win-win! And then I showed her a peacock skeleton. She knew it was a bird but struggled with what one. So I finally told her what it a was.

"A peacock! What's a peacock?" she asked.

Stunned at her answer, because peacocks roam wild where we live here in Florida, I pulled up a picture of one on my phone. Oh my goodness! She could hardly contain her enthusiasm as she viewed the pics of the beautiful bird and all its showy feathers. She went on and on about how beautiful she was; how colorful she was; how lovely she was. And then I told her it wasn't a "she." It was actually a "he." 

"Would you like to see the girl peacock?" I asked.

" Yes!!!" This mommy could read her girl like a book. In that little mind I could hear ... If that's the BOY, I can't wait to see the GIRL!! While envisioning a pink and purple feathered bird with sparkles and rainbows!!

I pulled up the pic and handed her my phone. My heart almost broke as my daughter's face dropped into complete and utter disappointment. She stood there staring at the male and female bird side by side in quiet disbelief. She literally could not speak.

"I know, Sweetie. It just doesn't seem fair, does it?" I empathized.

"No. It doesn't." Was all she could manage to get out.

I jumped in. "But let me tell you how amazing God is in making the girl this way! That girl peacock will be a mommy peacock. She will live on the ground caring for, feeding, and protecting her babies. If a dangerous animal comes along, one that might try to eat her or her babies, she can hide herself and her babies because her colors blend in with the ground. If she was as bright and colorful as the daddy peacock she wouldn't be able to hide, and she and her babies would not survive."

Although I could tell she was processing the logic in what I was saying, the disappointed look did not leave her face. To her, that trade off was clearly hard to accept. And as she walked away to go play, flashbacks of things I've clearly struggled to accept played in my head. You know, thinking things would be one way and they ended up not even close? A wise person once said the depth of one's disappointment is in direct correlation to the distance between their expectation and reality. I could not agree more!

However, it is those same disappointments that cause us to realize God wants to be way more than a Fair Weather Friend to us and loves us way too much to leave us with Fair Feathered Faith. You know, able to praise Him when all is well but blame Him when things go wrong? Disappointments are opportunities to decide where our focus will be. Will it be on the disappointment as we stare at the chasm between expectation and reality, or will we choose to lean not on our own understanding trusting the One who sovereignly allows things to pass through His hands? Sometimes it is hard to reconcile a God who has the power to change our circumstances and yet chooses not to. The challenge is trusting that His greater good does not have to involve the answers we desperately seek and pleadingly pray for. For some this is a hard thing to do. For other's, an easier one. For me? Not hard but a continual process. Every time the questions come I must choose to lay them at His feet in complete surrender. 

As I sat contemplating the lesson of that peacock that morning Matthew 6:26 popped in my head. "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" 

Lord, whether we understand Your ways or not, You have Your reasons. And if you cared enough to make that mommy peacock homely to fulfill her purpose, how much more can I and should I trust You in making my two children with special needs just as they are? Once again, Lord, I choose to trust.

Enter Essential Oils

A man's mind plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps and makes them sure. -Prov. 16:9

It's been said that life is lived in forward and understood in reverse. I've found this to be very true, and it perfectly describes how I started my journey with essential oils.

For those of you who don't know me, I have two children diagnosed with Autism. One in 2003, and the other in 2012. As an Autism mom, or any mom dealing with a diagnosis of which no cause, no cure, and no definite prognosis can be given, you search. Your search usually starts with doctors and therapists. But when unresolved issues linger you are faced with specialists and medications. Although these things have a place in this world, it can be really hard to put your young, developing child on some of these meds. So your search widens to other methods of helping your child. These may include, but certainly are not limited to, special diets (gluten and casein free, eliminating red dye #5 and artificial flavoring, etc.), chelation therapy (removing heavy metals from the body), hyperbaric oxygen chamber treatments (infusing high levels of oxygen to the body) ... and the list goes on and on. However, NONE of these specialized treatments are covered by medical insurance, and families can go broke in all their endeavors to improve their child's life and many times do with no real improvement to show for it.

This was my family's story, and when it happened it was emotionally, physically, and financially devastating. It was at this point that I stopped searching. I stopped trying to do things in my own power and strength. I was depleted! Which in hindsight is exactly where God knew I needed to be. I began to realize God already knew exactly what was going on with my children and exactly what would be most beneficial for their bodies. I realized now more than ever I needed to be spirit led because I was running myself ragged. So I swapped my searching for prayer, and the most amazing thing happened.

It was 2014 when a dear neighbor of mine stopped me one day to ask if I'd ever heard of essential oils. I had but was not very knowledgeable on the topic. I had grown up with a mom that thought Tea Tree Oil could cure anything. (Kind of like the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding who sprayed everything with Windex!) So my neighbor sent me some info about oils and talked with me at length about them, but I was a bit of a skeptic at that point.

That summer our family went to a Joni and Friends Family Retreat, a camp especially designed for families affected by disability. There I met a fellow special needs mom who told me about essential oils. She was very passionate about them and gave me a bottle of lemon and lavender ... my first experiences outside of Tea Tree Oil. Later that same evening I received a text from a family member who had recently gotten involved in essential oils. I could hear the excitement through her typed words as she told me about oils and some very powerful testimonies of using them on children with Autism. Now my curiosity was peaked as this "oils thing" kept coming up and this scripture came to mind, "For God does reveal His will; He speaks not only once, but more than once, even though men do not regard it." (Job 33:14) God now had my full attention. After all, I had prayed for Him to direct my path about my children, and it sure looked like He was doing it!

Even in sensing this was the way to go, I had absolutely no clue about essential oils and Autism. I did a little research on line but found it completely overwhelming. It seemed, like most things regarding the Autism Spectrum, it was not a simple one-size fits all kind of thing. Everyone had different testimonies of what worked for their kids. Too mind boggled by the whole thing I set it aside and prayed again that if this was really the path somehow God would lead me in what oils to use and how to use them.

Little did I know that while all this was happening with me, some 1,200 miles away a woman well versed in essential oils, her husband, and their two sons on the Spectrum were putting plans in motion to move to Florida. (Where I live!) They would make the move that fall of 2014, and God would work a divine appointment for our paths to cross. But first He had to further prepare me for essential oils by giving my first "Oh my gosh" experience with them.

*This is actually the first post of my new blog Essential Oils, God, & Me. If you are interested in connecting with this blog you can at eogme.blogspot.com.

Transition to Grace

"For from His fullness we have all received grace upon grace." -John 1:16

Transition.  It's a word special needs parents (and those that work with special kiddos) know all too well.  Even parents of typical kids have experience with it.  It's the two year old who doesn't want to leave the playground to go home. He wants to stay and keep playing.  So with arms flailing and lungs whaling you scoop him up, put him in the car, and leave.  A strong-willed child is tough!

Now imagine this child is 10 or 12 or 14. Imagine a child this age, for various reasons, struggling to transition. Maybe it's because of a sensory issue or because it's a break from the usual "routine," or maybe you cannot even pinpoint why they will not transition. Imagine a child so set in his ways that he will not willingly try new experiences; fun activities such as sliding down a slide or eating pudding or safety issues like leaving a school building for a fire drill.

The ladies that make up my support group have laughed and cried over these experiences. Getting stuck in the McDonald's playground tunnels because we were so determined to get our kid to go down the slide! Trying to hide, disguise, or quickly put a dab of new food on our child's plate or mixing it in with foods they already eat, and then getting the cold shoulder once the offense is discovered. We've had to be a blend of creative, patient, and tenacious in our parenting! And although I could clearly identify my child's struggle with transitioning I seemed to be oblivious to my own.

Enter summer of 2016 which found my family enjoying our third trip to Joni and Friends Family Retreat. We were super excited to attend. In fact when I showed Hannah the social story full of familiar photos of camp, she started pulling out everything she owned to pack!  Meanwhile, our 7 year old OCD driven son was putting everything back in its proper place just as quickly. Ha! Packing was an experience all in itself!

Anyway, the previous year had found me in a funk. I was struggling with this new place God had me. You see, my dad passed away in 2013, and my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's the following year. Like most parents, mine had been a huge support to me and the glue that held the entire family together. This new season was one of feeling like I no longer had a family. I do have siblings, but all of us have families of our own. Some live far away. Some have jobs. Some were busy taking care of our mother, which I was and am incredibly grateful for. But our family dynamic had definitely permanently changed, and for my still young family, it was a difficult adjustment; one I wasn't happy about and struggling to trust God with.

It was at our JAF mom's meeting Thursday morning that another mom opened up about her frustration in dealing with her son's inability to transition ... even to things she knew he would enjoy if he'd just try it. "If he would just trust me," she cried. Gosh, was that a light bulb moment as it felt like God was saying those words to me! Suddenly I realized my children on the spectrum are not the only ones who struggle with transition. As so many times before, God used the mirror of my children's brokenness to show me mine. Why wouldn't I trust God with this new season? Why couldn't I trust that perhaps He was leading me to a new place, one that would lead to more fulfillment and happiness? This was my first glimpse into the fact that I was not the "normal" one dealing with "abnormal" children. I wasn't fully able while my children were disabled. I have my own non-abilities, my own quirks, my own abnormalities. Ones the Lord continually reveals to me through the experiences of my children.

God was really driving His point home with me as about a month later someone asked me what the difference was in having "typical" kids and "special" kids, as I have two of each. My initial response was that I lose my patience much easier with me "typical" kids because they know better than the things they do. Yet, I have tons of patience with my "special" kids because they are disabled. They can't help it!

As that week went on for some reason God would not let that answer go. It seemed in all my quiet time that answer came back to the surface, and I just couldn't figure out why. When one morning while reading in the Book of Romans, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" and, "Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more" (Rom.3:23, 5:20) another light bulb moment occurred. If all have sinned and fall short, why would I not extend grace equally to all? Why would one who has a physical manifestation of brokenness be extended more grace than one who does not - than one whose brokenness is still just as real, just as present but concealed in a vessel that appears to be unbroken? The truth is God sees our hearts and is continually refining our spirits because they are broken. Imagine with me if we all saw heart and soul disability as our actual physical representations. I think we might all be flabbergasted to know we are all disabled, all broken, and all in need of God's great grace and grace from each other.

This eye-opening moment has caused a shift in how I view my children, and in fact, how I view everyone I come in contact with. I pray I always remember this lesson that the Lord allowed me to have. Extend grace. Extend mercy. Extend love. People are hurting and broken. Life is full of transitions, and people don't need to hear unkind and simplifying sentiments. Do your best to comfort and encourage and leave whatever work that needs to be done to the Lord knowing whether in your life or another's He Who has begun a good work is faithful to complete it. (Phil. 1-6) We are all transitioning by His great grace!

What the Father Says

"Then said the Lord to me, You have seen well, for I am alert and active, watching over My word to perform it."  Jer. 1:12

It was July. I only remember it was July because our AC had broke and we were staying with my husband's mother who graciously welcomed our family of six into her home. That morning I was busy folding laundry while Emma colored at the kitchen table when I heard her become upset. Peaking around the corner into the kitchen I noticed one of her colored pencils had rolled off the table and onto the floor. She was distraught. "My pencil! My pencil! Fall on the floor!" Quickly I finished what I was folding so I could go help her when all of a sudden I heard her say, "It's okay, Emma. Get down and get it."  I watched as she climbed off her chair, retrieved her pencil, and climbed back up again.  Once settled, I heard her say "Good job, Emma!" And without another thought about it, she continued coloring her picture.

A casual on-looker might have seen this and thought, "Oh, how cute!"  A child psychologist might have seen this and thought, "This child can problem solve and self-soothe." And they would both be right!  But as her mother I saw something else. I saw a child who had learned to say what her parent says. Her words were my words. They came up and went out of her mouth to give her both calmness and clarity and encouragement in her dilemma. It was a profound moment to fully realize the impact of my words on her! Not that on some level I haven't always known this, but hearing her speak her thoughts was a window into my ability and responsibility to teach her and to be her example.  It reminded me of a quote by Peggy O'Mara "The way you speak to your child becomes their inner voice." Truly, the powerful impact of a parent's words are undeniable.

This entire scenario got me thinking about my own "self-talk." Just like Emma, the words I speak to myself should be what my parent speaks to me; what my Abba Father speaks to me. His Word is not only His identity but mine because I am in Christ. But oh, how my mind must be continually renewed in this area!  My natural disposition is to say things that run contrary to His Word, but the power to create positive change comes from being in agreement with His Word. So I've borrowed an extensive but certainly not exhaustive list of my, your, our Biblically defined identity in Christ to help us take every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5). This list can be found in the back of the Armor of God workbook ... a Priscilla Shirer study. (Coincidentally I was doing this study last July when this happened!) I encourage you to print this list off and keep it handy or to write down the scriptures that speak to you most and post them places that you frequent during your day (ie. laundry room, bathroom, car, refrigerator!) ... whatever helps you continually remember who you are and whose you are. I would also encourage you to speak these truths over your children, spouse, and other loved ones. I have been doing these things myself and am finding it very helpful in my thinking and fruit bearing in my loved ones.  Let's start speaking what the Father says knowing His Word is alive and active.(Heb. 4:12) It goes forth to accomplish His will because He is alert, watching over His Word to perform it! (Is. 55:11; Jer. 1:12)

- I am a child of God (John 1:12).
- I have peace with God (Romans 5:1).
- The Holy Spirit lives in me (1 Cor. 3:16).
- I have access to God's wisdom (Jas. 1:5).
- I am helped by God (Heb 4:16).
- I am reconciled to God (Rom. 5:11).
- I am not condemned by God (Rom 8:1).
- I am justified (Rom. 5:1).
- I have Christ's righteousness (Rom. 5:19; 2 Cor. 5:21).
- I am Christ's ambassador (2 Cor. 5:20).
- I am completely forgiven (Col. 1:14).
- I am tenderly loved by God (Jer. 31:3).
- I am the sweet fragrance of Christ to God (2 Cor. 2:15).
- I am a temple in which God dwells (1 Cor. 3:16).
- I am blameless and beyond reproach (Col. 1:22).
- I am the salt of the earth (Matt. 5:13).
- I am the light of the world (Matt. 5:14).
- I am a branch on Christ's vine (John 15:1,5).
- I am Christ's friend (John 15:5).
- I am chosen by Christ to bear fruit (John 15:6).
- I am a joint heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him (Rom 8:17).
- I am united to the Lord, one spirit with Him (1 Cor. 6:17).
- I am a member of Christ's body (1 Cor. 12:27).
- I am a saint (Eph. 1:1).
- I am hidden with Christ in God (Col. 3:3).
- I am chosen by God, holy and dearly loved (Col. 3:12).
- I am a child of the light (1 Thess. 5:5).
- I am holy, and I share in God's heavenly calling (Heb 3:1).
- I am sanctified (Heb 2:11).
- I am one of God's living stones, being built up in Christ as a spiritual house (1 Pet. 2:5).
- I am a member of a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession and created to sing His praises (1 Pet. 2:9-10).
- I am firmly rooted and built up in Christ (Col. 2:7).
- I am born of God, and the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18).
- I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).
- I may approach God with boldness, freedom, and confidence (Eph. 3:12).
- I have been rescued from Satan's domain and transferred into the kingdom of Christ (Col. 1:13).
- I have been made complete in Christ (Col. 2:10).
- I have been given a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7).
- I have been given great and precious promises by God (2 Pet. 1:4).
- My needs are met by God (Phil. 4:19).
- I am a prince (princess) in God's kingdom (John 1:12; 1 Tim. 6:15).
- I have been bought with a price, and I belong to God (1 Cor. 6:19-20).
- I have been adopted as God's child (Eph. 1:5).
- I have direct access to God through the Holy Spirit (Eph 2:18).
- I am assured that all things are working together for good (Rom. 8:28).
- I am free from any condemning charges against me (Rom. 8:31).
- I cannot be separated from the love of God (Rom. 8:35).
- I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God (2 Cor. 1:21-22).
- I am confident that the good work that God has begun in me will be perfected (Phil 1:6).
- I am a citizen of heaven (Phil. 3:20).
- I am a personal witness of Christ's (Acts 1:8).
- I am God's coworker (2 Cor. 6:1; 1 Cor. 3:9).
- I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realm (Eph. 2:6).
- I am God's workmanship (Eph. 2:10).
- I can do all things through Christ, who gives me the strength I need (Phil. 4:13).

Scabs, Scars, and Band-aids

"Strip yourself of your former nature which characterized your previous manner of life ... and be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind and put on the new nature created in God's image, in true righteousness and holiness." (Eph. 4:22-24)

"We've all been there" is probably a big assumption. So let me just share where I was in the hope that I'm not the only one.  I had been hurt.  (Who hasn't been, right?)  And I had made the decision to forgive, to release it to the Lord, to not be controlled by feelings but moved to action through obedience to God's word. Forgive. So I did it and felt 50 pounds lighter.  All was well for days, and then out of nowhere the situation popped back in my head. Before I knew it I was upset again, hurt again, angry and disappointed again. So, again, I chose to forgive.  A few days ... maybe even a week went by when, POP!  It came up again! Like an involuntary hurling of the stomach, there I was in the midst of all the yuck again.  Even though I didn't want to, I kept succumbing to a bad stomach bug of the brain. What is wrong with me? I know I've forgiven this person, and yet I am convinced (or maybe Satan has me convinced) that I haven't or it wouldn't keep coming up.  So I prayed ...

Lord, please help me!  Tell me what I'm missing here. You have asked me to forgive, and I have ... or at least I think I have. Yet this situation keeps coming back to my mind, and the hurt plays out all over again.  I keep reliving an episode I want to forget. What do I do to stop this and completely heal?

At the same time I was dealing with soap opera flashbacks, I also was dealing with my precious 15 year old daughter, Hannah who has Autism.  Many times Autism is accompanied by other conditions like ADHD, anxiety, or OCD.  My daughter was showing severe signs of both anxiety and OCD as she began picking at herself. She would get a place open and bleeding. Then it would scab over. Then she would pick at it again until it bled. Then it would scab. Then she'd pick.  And on and on the cycle would go.  The worst part about her problem was the number of times the area became infected and needed to be treated with antibiotics.  The sad part (for me) was seeing my beautiful daughter's skin become more and more scarred by her continual picking.

Simultaneously, Emma, my vivacious, talkative, and geared toward theatrics 2 year old had become completely obsessed with band-aids.  Not just ANY band-aids ... Disney Princess band-aids!  It all started innocently enough.  She got an owie. I put Neosporin and a band-aid on it. Viola! Every thing's better!  But then it turned into a scab needed a band-aid; a bug bite needed a band-aid; a red spot needed a band-aid; and (my personal favorite) the invisible owie that needed a band-aid.  "See it, Mommy?  Right there. See it?!"  Very cute and probably a stage most 2 year old little girls go through, but I knew it was time to set some guidelines with her about what kind of owies actually require a band-aid.

Anyway, so the weeks went by with one child picking her scabs and bleeding everywhere, and the other one wishing she was bleeding so she could get a band-aid!  It was in the midst of feeling like I might lose it with these two that God answered my prayer.  As He has done so many times, He used the thing I was focusing on with my kids to teach me about myself.

So one day while cleaning up Hannah's blood that was all over the floor and racking my brain of how I could get her to stop picking at her scabs - how to get her to completely heal - I realized I was a picker too.  Unlike Hannah I was not a picker of physical wounds but of emotional ones.  These hurtful situations were popping into my head and instead of reminding myself instantly that I had already forgiven and let go of it, I picked at it.  I allowed it to stay, allowed it to play out in my head, allowed the bad feelings to come back.  I picked apart what they said, what I said, what was done, what I should've said and done ... pick, pick, pick ... tormenting my own mind.  The sad reality that became very clear to me is that, just like Hannah, we can re-open a wound so many times that we risk infection.  We risk our own minds struggling with thought patterns that seem to always lead us back to the injustices this life has dealt us.  We can pick off everything the Holy Spirit attempts to do to bring healing in that area.  We can continue to pick until something that could have easily healed and left no mark becomes a huge ugly scar, and that scar becomes a part of the way we see ourselves, we see others, we see life.

Which brings me to Emma and her band-aids.  If there's something I've learned from my 15 years of being a special needs mom it's that there will always be opportunities to be offended.  I didn't start my journey feeling this way.  It just happened over time.  Owies began to accumulate and many times from the same source.  Without even realizing it, I began to subconsciously anticipate the people and places I would likely encounter being hurt.  My expectation of an owie was so solidified I began to bring Neosporin and band-aids with me everywhere I went. Scab, bug bite, red spot, and yes, the invisible owie - the offense never intended, but the one I took because I'd begun to look for them. My ultra-sensitivity to the situation with my children had seeped into me, transforming me into an ultra-sensitive person.  First Corinthians 13:5 and 7 tell us that love "is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it" and "is ever ready to believe the best of every person."

Gosh, I can't tell you how anxious it makes me just to put this on paper and even think about putting it out there for others to read!  Vulnerability like this can be scary, and yet I just know I'm not alone in this.  If posting this leads to even one person seeing themselves and trusting in the faithfulness of God to help them strip off their old nature and put on their new one, it will be worth it.  Because my friend, God does not want us to live like this.  We want to tell ourselves we are protecting ourselves. We are preparing for what we know will happen because it always does, but truly this is fear masquerading as wisdom.  This imprisoned way of thinking is not anywhere near the freedom we can have and are supposed to have in Christ. However, living in freedom requires being proactive.

I've come to learn that the mind can be in one of two states ... active or passive.  An active mind is either positive or negative.  A passive mind thinks on whatever pops into it, and that is just as dangerous as a negative mind.  God's word is very specific about our thoughts, especially if we want to experience peace.  "For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things (fix your minds on them). Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace will be with you." (Phil. 4:8-9)  You see, it's not enough to empty ourselves of the negative.  We must then be purposeful, active, and diligent to replace it with the positive.

The amazing news is we are not alone in doing this!  As my Bible study class wraps up our study on Colossians the one phrase I have carried away is to continually seek and set.  "If then you have been raised with Christ, aim at and SEEK the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  And SET your minds and keep them SET on what is above, not on the things that are on the earth.  For you have died, and your new life is hidden with Christ in God.  When Christ, Who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." (Col. 3:1-4)   Everything God does for is, in us, through us is an incredible act of His grace - not something that can be earned. It's because of His great grace, as we seek and set our eyes on Jesus, we can be certain that even as He speaks to us through things as random as scabs, scars, and band-aids, He is lovingly and faithfully transforming us into His image - a work that will come to full completion when we appear with Him in glory!

I can think of no better way to wrap up this blog than this prayer by Stormie Omartian.
"Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things.  Take my emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protectiveness, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.  Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with Your battering ram of revelation.  Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace, and joy.  I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me.  In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

Jesus Works at Taco Bell

"My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him; for my hope and expectation are from Him."  Ps. 62:5

I vividly remember it.  It was Monday, March 19, 2012.  The previous month Gabe had been diagnosed with Autism, and I had begun the process to get him enrolled in the early childhood ESE program through the county.  We had agreed it best for Gabe to start school after spring break.

Spring break came and went in the blur it usually is as the wife of a CPA.  The week culminated in the breaking of a snow globe in Gabe's bedroom.  An item I had purchased for my oldest child's nursery, I had intended on passing it along to my firstborn grandchild.  As I picked up the broken pieces, the disappointment I felt seemed to unearth the deeper disappointment of life.  These cracked pieces weren't of some material possession but of hopes, dreams, and expectations that seemed to continually crumble.

That Monday while the kids were at school, I ran some errands and stopped at Taco Bell for lunch.  I placed my order, got my drink, and sat down to wait for my number to be called.  As I pondered the past week's events, I asked God to help me deal with my feelings of disappointment.  I specifically remember wondering how to deal with continual disappointment and yet have faith about the future.  I was thinking these thoughts when for some reason I happened to look down at my receipt where something remarkable caught my eye.  My cashier's name was Jesus.  Jesus!

In that moment, this is what was impressed upon me.

"Look at the way you went in and confidently placed your order.  Look at the way you got a drink to stay refreshed while you waited.  Look at the ease and carefree way you waited for your order.  Have you not confidently placed an order with Me as well?  Are you not refreshed and sustained by My Living Waters while you wait?  Why are you more anxious about receiving from Me than from man?  Were you even once worried you wouldn't get what you ordered for lunch?

Me: Thinking of Hannah and now of Gabe ... "But God, I didn't get what I ordered."

"What will you do if you don't get what you ordered for lunch?

Me:  "I'll show them my receipt.  What I ordered - what I paid for."

And then it clicked!  My receipt for Hannah and Gabe is the Cross, God's Word, the blood of Jesus!  In the Amplified Bible, Hebrews 11:1 tells us "faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the TITLE DEED) of things we hope for, being the proof of things we do not see and the conviction of their reality."   (Emphasis mine.)

At this point my eyes were filled with tears. I was hoping no one was noticing, and if they did, hopefully they would just think my food was extra spicy!

"You have been patiently accepting, but I need  you to be patiently expecting!"

Pondering the difference between the two, I realized patient acceptance might have walked out of Taco Bell had the order not been filled in a timely manner.  Patient acceptance might have taken whatever was handed to them and never questioned by way of proof of a receipt.

Conversely, patient expectancy knows the order will be filled, as ordered.  Patient expectancy rests in the proof of purchase! It knows what is rightfully his, and nothing short of leaving the building will stop the order from coming to pass.

What a revelation that day!  What a message about patiently accepting versus patiently expecting!  Yes, Jesus works at Taco Bell, (and I'm so glad he does!  I'm certain I wouldn't have received this message if my cashier's name had been Henry!) And the truth is Jesus can work anywhere!

My friend, has life handed you more disappointments than you care to count?  Do you wonder how to have expectant hope for the future in spite of having to accept all that has been dealt to you?  Be encouraged today!  Jesus is your hope!  He is a firm foundation!  He is a rock and fortress - a strong tower!  He is your shield and portion!  He is your Savior and Redeemer!  He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords - the very King of Glory!  Rest in the proof of all He has purchased!  ( Ps. 103:1-2) Don't get weary about when you will collect on it.  His blood has sealed the deal!  The title deed is yours, and it is stamped "PAID IN FULL!"  Oh the faith we can have in His great grace and lavish love! 

"Whereas this One Christ, after He had offered a single sacrifice for our sins for all time, sat down at the right hand of God, then to wait until His enemies should be made a stool beneath His feet." (Heb. 10:12-13)  Jesus is patiently expecting, and my friend, we are to patiently expect too.

Gently Led - Happy Mother's Day 2016

"He will feed His flock like a shepherd: He will gather the lambs in His arms, He will carry them in His bosom and will gently lead those that have their young."  Isaiah 40:11

I have spoken with a lot of moms since becoming one myself nearly 17 years ago, and the thing I hear most often is their concern over not spending enough time in God's word. Moms understand the importance of being divinely led, and they want to be.  However in the back of their mind there seems to be this tendency to think they have to clock in a certain amount of time with God to receive that benefit.  This is simply not true.  Don't get me wrong.  If and when you have time, pray and read your Bible.  However, if you're beating yourself up because you only have 5 minutes a day to do a quick devotional, and your prayer time is an exercise in multitasking (ie, in the shower, while you drive, while you clean the house, etc.), stop it!

The truth is God not only made mothers and children.  He made motherhood!  He is aware of how much it takes out of us to be good mothers.  He sees the sleepless nights because the baby won't stop crying.  He sees the countless times of reviewing multiplication facts because the 8 year old just doesn't get it.  He sees the endless cooking, cleaning, and laundry that must be kept up with.  He sees the hour long conversation with the tween over their hurt feelings.  He sees the life lesson counseling of the teenager who is struggling to juggle the stretching demands.  And that is all "typical" parenting.  If you are an adoptive parent, a foster parent, a step parent, single mom, special needs parent, or a parent with your own medical issues - He sees you.  He knows fully every struggle you are experiencing. He created motherhood, and He is intimately aware of each of our individual motherhood walks.

Let's look at that scripture again. "He will feed His flock like a shepherd." That is provision ... providing for your needs.  "He will gather the lambs in His arms."  That is protection.  "He will carry them in His bosom." That is comfort.  "And will gently lead those that have their young."  That is guidance and direction.  What an incredible promise to those of us with young!  We are trying to lead our young, but let us be aware that it requires us to be led also.  I love that it's a gentle leading.  You don't think God understands the weariness motherhood can produce?  I do! Motherhood is a beautiful picture of giving to our children the very things we have graciously received from our Heavenly Father.

I remember when Hannah was first diagnosed back in 2003.  I couldn't get enough of God's word.  I couldn't spend enough time with Him.  I was absolutely desperate for daily bread from Him.  However, I had a child who just wanted to sit in my lap and watch Disney movies.  She would fixate on a certain movie, and that would be the movie of choice for weeks on end.  At first I enjoyed our time watching the movie together.  Then I felt like I should be doing something more spiritual with my time. I mean there's only so many times you can watch the Lion King!  It had gotten to the point where my son and I could quote the movie lines and sing all the songs.  These movies started to become a real chore, and I was struggling to be my daughter's movie date.

And then one day something pretty incredible happened.  You see, recently the Holy Spirit had been teaching me what it meant to be Spirit led.  (Up to that point I had always been someone who had to take a poll about what everyone thought I should do before I could make a decision.)  At the time, Hannah happened to be on a Finding Nemo kick.  There we were sitting in the rocking chair when the scene with Dory speaking to the whale began.  Dory is convinced she can speak whale, and Marlin is certain she cannot.  They are asking for directions to Sydney when suddenly they are pulled into the whale's mouth.  Dory is enjoying the whooshing ride of waves inside the whale while Marlin is freaking out.  Then the water level starts to drop and Dory tells Marlin the whale has said to move to the back of his throat which has Marlin convinced they will be eaten.  So as these two fish are hanging onto what appear to be taste buds on the whales tongue, Dory then tells Marlin the whale has said it's time to let go which she happily does.  Marlin however, catches her fin.  "How do you know something bad isn't gonna happen?!" he exclaims.  "I don't,"she replies.  Tightly closing his eyes, he lets go.  Out the whale's blow-hole they go to find themselves in the harbor of Sydney, Australia.  Exactly where they wanted to go!

In that moment I received such a clear picture of what a spirit led life looks like.  Others may not understand what you are doing and why you are doing it.  Heck!  You may not understand what you are doing and why you are doing it!  Being Spirit led many times can involve following unconventional methods.  Once we've asked God for His leading we are to trust He's leading us, even if it doesn't look like "the right way."  When you are Spirit led you can have perfect peace, even without understanding.  Be aware that others may not be able to embrace the plan or peace you have. After all, you're the one who received the leading, not them.  People may question your ability to be Spirit led, and that's fine.  But don't let it stop you from acting on what you feel led to do.  Someone may pose a valid question ... "How do you know something bad isn't going to happen?!"  And it's okay to not know the answer.  The simple truth is sometimes it takes more faith to let go than to hold on.  We will not know which path to take if we are not being Spirit led.

What a timely, much needed lesson - and from watching a Disney movie for the hundredth time!  I'm certain those thoughts were no where near the intent of the writer, but God can use ANYTHING to speak to us.  And that is the point of this blog.  If you are a mama and you feel like life has you running a million different directions, please know God is always speaking.  God is not looking at a time card.  He is looking on your heart, and He knows if your greatest heart's desire is to know His heart in a situation.  He will be faithful to show you in whatever way He wills.  If your only moments of down time are watching your child at swim practice or sitting in the carpool line, know that He knows that.  God Almighty can speak to you through the crack of a baseball bat, a pile of dirty laundry, or a sign on the side of a road.  Pray to have eyes that are open and ears that are listening.  Look for ways He is confirming what He has shown you in scripture.  He will, and it is pretty awesome when you realize the God of the universe is gently leading you.

Happy Mother's Day, dear friend!  Have a beautifully blessed day!

*I would love to hear your stories about being gently led!  Please leave them under the comments section.  For those of you on my Facebook blog page, feel free to leave yours there.  Let's encourage each other by rehearsing the faithfulness of God in our motherhood journeys!  God Bless!

Ask!

"You have not, because you ask not." James 4:2

Can I let you in on a little secret about many parents of children with special needs?  They struggle with their prayer life.  It's not necessarily that they don't like to pray or don't know how to pray or don't understand the importance of prayer.  It has to do with the fact that they prayed a prayer that for some reason didn't get answered.  They prayed for a healthy child, but that is not their reality.  A diagnosis doesn't just rock your life; it can rock your faith.  I would liken it to the saying "Once bitten, twice shy." When you step out in faith on God's Word and something different happens, it can be a real test to do it again.

Faith, prayer, and God's will can come into question when earth shattering things happen.  Many times in an attempt to play it safe and salvage what we have left of our faith, our prayers become complacent.  We no longer have the courage to approach the throne with the confidence that 1 John 5:14-15 speaks of.  Our prayers tend to have a permanent tag line ... "if it be Your will."  And often times, that becomes our only prayer.  For many of us, things learned in our childhood about faith shatter to pieces, and we are left wondering why our faith didn't work. Satan intends for this to be the outcome.  He tries his hardest to keep us in a state of defeat, complacency, and hopelessness.

As I look back over my own journey, I can see that God had to completely renew my mind in these areas, and He still is.  I wanted to peg my complacent, comfortable prayer life on my circumstances.  However the truth is these thoughts are grounded in fear.  The fear of not being heard, the fear of not being answered, the fear of rejection, the fear of not getting what I asked for, the fear of finding out I may not have known God's will, and maybe (for type A personalities like myself) the fear of being wrong.

God never leaves us in something that will hinder our life and walk with Him.  Nothing hinders that more than fear.  I have observed in my life and in others that many times God will put us smack dab in the middle of our fears in order to eradicate them.  He allows us to face that thing we prayed saying "Anything but this, God.  I can't do this.  I can't bear it."  We all know we are to pray in faith, but look at those statements again.  Those aren't prayers of faith.  They are prayers of fear.  And my friend, let me tell you, God loves you and me too much to let us stay bound in chains of fear.

God sent Jesus so we could be free, and those that are free are free indeed!  (John 8:36) So now it's the Holy Spirit's job to teach us about the freedom that is truly ours, and that means shining His light on fear and allowing His perfect love to cast it out.  (1 John 4:18)  The revelation of the transforming power of God's love comes as you become rooted and grounded in how great, how deep, how wide, how incredible His love is for you.  (Eph. 3:17-19).  So much so that all that remains is a reverential fear of God.  And my friend, love is not only the eradicator of fear.  Love is the fuel for our faith! (Gal 5:6)

The truth is God is not a genie.  We don't give Him our prayer list and POOF magically and immediately we get what we asked for. God is working a masterpiece plan.  You, your family, your acquaintances, your co-workers, your neighbors, your fellow church members ... all of it plays into God's sovereign plan and that includes His sovereign timing. 

So how do we approach prayer?  First we must remember that prayer isn't a seeking of our own desires.  Prayer is about seeking God.  Here are a few scriptures to make sure you are keeping the horse in front of the cart ...
* "But seek first of all His kingdom and His righteousness, and then all these things will be added unto you." Matthew 6:33
* "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
* "Without faith it is impossible to please Him.  For whoever would come near God must believe that God exists and that He is the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

Second, we must remember there is a perseverance factor in prayer.  God highlighted this for me this past week as I was trying to get laundry done and my precious two year old wanted some milk.  Standing there gazing intently at me she said "Mommy!  Mommy!  Mommy! More milk please."  I assured her I was coming in just a minute.  Within 10 seconds she started again, "Mommy!  Mommy! Mommy!  More milk please."  Again, I acknowledged her with "One minute, please."  And on and on we went.  She never got angry or upset.  She was perfectly fine with receiving milk on mommy's timetable, but with childlike faith, she kept making her wishes known.  Philippians 4:6 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God."  Matthew 7:7-8 says "Keep on asking and it will be given you; keep on seeking and you will find; keep on knocking and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on knocking, the door will be opened."  (Or in my daughter's case, the refrigerator door!)


Third and most simple of all, we must ask!  James 4:2 says "You have not, because you ask not."  Over the past 10 days not only this scripture but an analogy of it has caught my attention 3 times.  I know whenever this happens, God is speaking to me, and I need to listen.  The analogy is of getting to heaven and finding out all that could have been mine on earth, but I didn't ASK!  Short of hell itself, I can't think of anything worse than finding out things I desperately wanted and could've had in this lifetime if only I'd asked!  As I allowed myself to soak up this truth I made three very specific prayer requests to God.  One of them was that our family would be able to attend Joni and Friends Family Retreat again this summer.  (This is a Christian based camp for families affected by disability).  We had already stepped out in faith by paying the $50 registration fee.  With the total cost of the trip being well over $2,000 for our family of six, I felt a little foolish as thoughts like "Have you seen your bank account lately?" came to mind.

You know sometimes faith can look foolish, but the Bible says God uses the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. (1 Cor. 1:27) How humbling to be confounded by God ... but also, how exhilarating!  Days after praying this prayer I received word that our family had been granted a FULL scholarship to attend camp this summer!  I am grateful we stepped out in faith, that someone or many someones donated the money, that our family was chosen, but most importantly that God taught me the importance of ASKING.  Faith without works is dead.  (James 2:17) We have to have faith to believe, but we also have to act on that faith by asking. 

Without a doubt we all enjoy "yes" to prayer much more than "no," but can I tell you something?  God is just as faithful in the "no's" as He is in the "yes's."  The cure for an anemic prayer life isn't in knowing you'll get a "yes."  It's in knowing that God is sovereign over whatever answer you get.  He is always directing our steps, always aligning our path, always preparing the way.  Sometimes it will involve yes.  Sometimes, no.  Sometimes, not yet.  Our job is simply to ask, and then to let God be God.  Let He who knows the beginning from the end determine what is best.  Know that whatever answer we receive is what's best.  Understanding that God is sovereign, that He loves you and is 100% faithful will allow you to enter His rest.  Then you can relax and watch as His perfect plan unfolds.

God's Timing

"My times are in Your hands."  Psalm 37:7

Christians have a saying we use concerning this topic ... "God is never late, but He is seldom early."  Although this divine trait is bearable in the smaller details of life, more severe hardships routinely bring about two questions - why and when.  If you've traveled a certain hardship long enough you can get past the why because you eventually realize knowing why will not change your circumstances.  You simply learn to trust the why to God, and that if He deems it necessary for you to know, He'll tell you.  When, however, still looms in front of you like a giant neon sign because you really start to wonder how much more you can endure, how many more twists and turns this journey has, and if life will ever look anything like the picture you had in your head.

As I have mentioned in my last several blogs, my women's Bible Study group has been doing an in-depth study on Genesis, and this past week the whole providential punctuality question came into full focus while studying Joseph. As I came across a homework question dealing with God's timing, I began to contemplate the what ifs of the situation. Of course thanks to scripture, I had the advantage of knowing the end from the beginning. Something Joseph didn't have; something we don't have, but something God does. Allow me a quick backdrop to set the stage for this question.

In Genesis 37 we learn of Joseph (Jacob's son), his prophetic dreams, his brother's deep hatred for him, and how they sell him into slavery.  In chapter 39, Joseph is falsely accused by Potipher's wife and sent to prison. Chapter 40 finds Pharaoh's baker and butler thrown into prison.  They both have dreams of which Joseph interprets bad news (death) to the baker and good news (reinstatement to his prior position) to the butler.  Of the butler, Joseph makes this request "But think of me when it shall be well with you and show kindness, I beg of you, to me, and mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this house.  For truly I was carried away from the land of the Hebrews by unlawful force, and here too I have done nothing for which they should put me into the dungeon." (vs. 14-15) Genesis 41 opens with "AFTER TWO FULL YEARS ...." and goes on to tell of Pharaoh's dreams, the butler remembering Joseph, and Joseph's correct interpretation of the dreams.

*The homework question was this ... "Why do you think God allowed Joseph to sit in prison for well over two years for a crime he didn't commit?"

Obviously there could be many reasons why this happened, but given the bigger picture painted in scripture, I think the number one reason why was that it wasn't God's perfect timing. So in complete speculation and for arguments sake, let's make some assumptions that will paint a completely different picture to see if it leads us to a better understanding of why God chose to work this way. Ready?  Here we go.

Let's say the butler actually remembers Joseph, and let's say that he just happens to gain the courage to approach the Pharaoh about it.  Then let's assume the Pharaoh cares about or believes the words of a Hebrew slave being held in his dungeon, and that he acts on that information to have Joseph released from prison.  Where is the most likely place Joseph would go?  I'm quite certain he will not be applying for a job to become warden!  Most likely, he would be free to go anywhere he wanted to.  I believe he would head home ... back to Canaan, back to his father, back to his brothers.

Fast forward then, to two years later.  The Pharaoh has these disturbing dreams.  Dreams of which no one in his land can interpret (Gen. 41:8), and according to our hypothetical assumptions made above, Joseph is no where to be found.  Take a moment to remember all that is riding on the correct interpretation of these dreams.  It's not just the well being of Egypt.  It's also the preservation of Jacob and his twelve sons, the twelve tribes of Israel.  It is the setting of the stage for God's prophetic statement to Abraham in Genesis 15:13-16.  Egypt (Goshen to be specific) will become the incubator for an infant nation that then would be brought out at just the right time to take possession of the promise land.  The remnant preserved would eventually produce the King of Kings and Lord of Lords - Jesus Christ!

Is it possible Joseph was held in that prison for two more years "for such a time as this"?  So that at just the right time he would be presented to Pharaoh, interpret the dreams correctly, devise a plan to save Egypt, and preserve what would become the mighty nation of Israel?  If Joseph had gone home not only would all of this not have come to pass, his own dreams about his own destiny would not have come to pass either.  (Gen. 37:7&9)

But that's not all. Let's take a look back at Joseph's statement to the butler.  "But think of me when it shall be well with you and show kindness, I beg of you, to me, and mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this house.  For truly I was carried away from the land of the Hebrews by unlawful force, and here too I have done nothing for which they should put me into the dungeon."  When Joseph makes this statement he has already endured 11 years of captivity in Egypt. During that time scripture reveals very little concerning his thoughts (let alone words) about his feelings on all that has befallen him.  However, here we get a glimpse.  Undoubtedly his comment and motive reveals hints of both why and when.  So here's my question.  Does that statement sound like someone who had completely forgiven his brothers?  Does it sound like someone who was ready to be reconciled with his family?  It is certainly factual in nature, but it is missing the big picture revelation of why and when.  A revelation that would come later.

How can I come to this conclusion, you might ask?  All you have to do is compare it with the statement he will eventually make to his brothers 11 years later ... "I am Joseph your brother, whom you sold into Egypt!  But now, do not be distressed and disheartened or vexed and angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me ahead of you to preserve life.  For these two years the famine has been in the land, and there are still five years more in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest.  God sent me before you to preserve a posterity and to continue a remnant on the earth, to save your lives by a great escape and save for you many survivors.  So now it was not you who sent me here, but God ..." (Gen. 45:4-8)

These words don't only show forgiveness but an understanding of God's sovereign hand.  Three times in four verses Joseph repeats that God sent him to Egypt.  God put Joseph in a position of having to trust Him for the why and the when.  It was a LONG 13 years before he was promoted to Pharaoh's right hand man.  Many people get caught up in the promotion, but can I tell you although I'm certain the palace was far better than the prison, that was not the real longing in Joseph's heart.  The true longing was for a restored relationship with his brothers and father that would take place 9 years later ... 22 years in total.  Promotion is nice, but it is no substitute for promise!


I'm certain the years of waiting in that prison had to have been perceived as a divine "no" to Joseph.  Yet ironically, it was a great big "YES" with implications that reached much farther than Joseph realized.  You see the problem with Joseph's request was not that it was too big but that it was too small! His thoughts were about himself ... and who could blame him?!  The tendency to focus on one's self in times of great trial is only human.  But God's vision is far greater, and this story should encourage us to broaden ours. This reminds me of the truth found at the end of Hebrews chapter 11 concerning all the Old Testament giants of faith, including Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph.  "And all of these, though they won divine approval by their faith, did not receive the fulfillment of what was promised, because God had us in mind and had SOMETHING BIGGER AND GREATER IN VIEW FOR US, so that they should not come to perfection apart from us."  (vs. 39-40)  Again, it was about so much more than Joseph, and my friend, it is about so much more than us.

My dear friend, what hardship are you facing today?  Does it feel like an eternity of dealing with the same problem?  Maybe, like Joseph, your troubles have intensified.  Whatever is going on and however long it has been, let Joseph's story encourage you.  Find rest and peace in this simple yet profound truth ... Pit, prison, palace - God's presence is always with you.  Just like Joseph, God has a why and a when for your story. I know it doesn't make sense now.  It didn't to Joseph either.  It's been said life is lived in forward but understood in reverse.  However, you can place your confidence in God, the one who knows the end from the beginning, that at the appointed time it will all come together, and it will be far more beautiful and far more meaningful than you ever imagined.  Trust God for the "But God" part of your story.  He's working on your behalf. Remember, God may not be late; He may be seldom early, but He is always on time!

The Secret Things

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things which are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all of the words of the law."  Deut. 29:29

About three weeks ago my heart sank as I received a call from my daughter Hannah's neurologist informing me that the one hour EEG results had come back showing no disturbances in brainwave patterns but also with some indicators that the testing was likely faulty.  In other words, inconclusive.  Our next step?  A 24 hour overnight EEG.  I got off the phone with incredibly conflicting emotions.  For starters, we had always been told there was a possibility that Hannah's EEG would normalize once puberty hit.  This would be a good thing.  We were also told whatever damage was done through the years would be permanent. I had always envisioned us just knowing the change had occurred as she would be able to speak.  So now, confronted with the possibility the disturbances had stopped and seeing no real change in her, I began to worry.

The next few days involved a great deal of conversation with the Lord as my mind went back and forth between hoping the EEG would show normal brainwave function and dreading learning it had, and the permanent damage was this severe.  How was all this going to turn out?  What change in treatment would this mean for Hannah?  How could any real good come from either outcome?  (You know the devil can sure drive us crazy with all the questions, can't he?)

Finally, I cried out to God.  "Lord, I know You haven't forgotten Your promise to Hannah because I haven't forgotten it either."  (For those of you not familiar with our story, when my daughter was first diagnosed back in 2003 the Holy Spirit revealed and confirmed to me, "It's going to be okay.  I'm going to use Hannah to touch people's lives.")  Suddenly the words concerning Abraham came to mind; words embraced after reflecting upon human limitations in the face of God's promise. "No unbelief or distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong and was empowered by faith as he gave praise and glory to God, fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and to do what He had promised," (Rom. 4:20-21)

The next few days passed.  Worry ceased.  Peace remained ... even in the face of "what if" questions from others and encouraging remarks of "name it and claim it."  Those words from Romans had planted a deep inner peace undefined and undetermined by circumstances.  My soul had found rest in the ultimate truth that God can and will work in this situation regardless of anything ... an irregular or regular EEG, med changes, test results labelled "good" or "bad" by man.  To think otherwise is to put God in a box.  It is to believe God can only work in a way that makes sense to my human mind.  The Bible is full of stories of how God worked in mind blowing ways, and I want to trust Him for a 21st Century, divinely mind blowing experience too! The irony is Hannah's medical care may be contingent upon the findings of this test, but God's promise is not!

The morning of Hannah's EEG two scriptures crossed my path completely and divinely by chance, and they spoke volumes to me.  The first, "The Lord will fulfill His promise." (Ps. 138:8)  The second, "You do not realize now what I'm doing, but later you will understand." (John 13:7)  I left the house that morning in awe as these seemingly random scriptures, together, confirmed all that was in my heart.  No, I don't understand how or what God is doing, but the faithfulness of God to deliver on His promise has nothing to do with my understanding.  I can trust Him with what I don't get, and my friend, so can you, because the truth is we don't need answers.  We just need Him.  We don't trust the plan because we know the plan.  We trust the plan because we know the Planner!

Fast forward to about 2:30 that afternoon.  I'm sitting beside Hannah's bed at St. Joseph's Children's Hospital when my ever faithful, above and beyond, loving Heavenly Father divinely appoints THIS day for me to read Day 44 of my prayer devotional "Whispers of Hope" by Beth Moore.  Here it is in its entirety with full credit given to the Holy Ghost's teaching and Beth Moore's writing ...

Day 44
(Scripture reading: Deut. 29:29-30:4)

"Beloved, as you hold your Bible in your hands, you hold "the things revealed." You possess all the information you can handle, right in front of you, from the omniscient mind of God.  But He has so much more, so much we do not know, secret things known only to the Creator of the universe.
Secrets make us uncomfortable, don't they?  Especially if we're not in on them.  It could be enough to drive a person crazy unless the secret keeper is someone we trust.  Yes, God is keeping secrets, but we can find great comfort in at least three assurances.
*The secret things of God cannot be contrary to His character.  His secrets are just like He is: merciful, loving, just, righteous, wonderful, and good.  In His fairness, God made His requirements and judgments known; therefore, the secret things are glorious things.  We need not fear His unknowns.  God does not have a dark side for "God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5)  Can you think of a time when you thought God was unjust?  Do you view the situation differently now?  How has the passage of time changed your perspective?
*The secret things are too much for us.  If He withholds information from us, it is because we cannot comprehend the information in our present form.  Christ knew all things that were to come upon Him; He knew the secret things.  Yes, He could see the suffering in advance, but He also could envision the ultimate glory.  So "for the joy set before Him" He endured (Heb 12:2).  Knowing our plans in advance would be too much for us.  Our human vision is so desperately nearsighted, we would never be able to see the glory for the pain.  Have you been through an experience you thought you could never endure?  Did walking through the valley increase or decrease your faith?  Can you think of any reasons why God chose not to show you in advance what you were about to experience?
*The secret things are a surprise.  One day we will "know fully"even as we are "fully known." (1 Cor. 13:12)  We have the ultimate surprise party coming, and God isn't about to give it away.  Until then He grants an occasional hint - like the sight of a majestic mountain that suggests, "If this is earth, what indeed must heaven be like?"
We don't need to feel spiritually immature because of how little we understand.  We can be encouraged by knowing that anything beyond us falls in the category of glorious and wonderful.  Until God shares His secrets, we hold enough in our hands to keep us challenged - we hold God's Word.
Our Savior is the Keeper of all knowledge - the Omniscient One.  Whatever is beyond the pages of scripture, beloved, is simply too wonderful for us to know."

Awesome, huh?  As I sat in that hospital room, tears streaming down my face, I sensed the presence of God so strong I felt like I was floating.  What an incredible moment between man and his Maker when He meets you right where you are - wherever you are.  So much of Hannah has been a mystery ... likes, dislikes, deep desires, emotions, wants, needs.  But in that moment another truth was planted in my heart.  If indeed the secret things belong to the Lord, then I know my Hannah does too.

And, my friend, your secret things belong to Him also. 

Life's Lot

While visiting with a family member a while back, they used an old adage ... one I'm sure you're familiar with ... "It's just my lot in life."  I hadn't heard that saying in years, and didn't think much of it at the time.  However, interestingly enough, a few days later my Bible time took me to the book of Genesis and the story of a man who had a Lot in his life.

Chapter 12 of Genesis opens with God giving a man named Abram (later to be known as Abraham) specific instructions along with several promises.

Genesis 12:1-3 "Now the Lord said to Abram, Go for yourself away from your country, from your relatives, and your father's house, to the land that I will show you.  And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name famous, and you will be a blessing. And I will bless those that bless you and curse those that curse you; in you all the families of the earth will be blessed."

Then verse 4 says "So Abram departed, as the Lord had directed him; and Lot (his nephew) went with him."  Lot, a relative ... one that Abram was supposed to leave behind went with him.  Maybe it was Lot's idea, or maybe Abram's, or perhaps someone else.  We are never told.  We just know Abram didn't do exactly what God told him to do.

God had blessed both men abundantly but eventually strife broke out between Abram and Lot's herdsmen over grazing land for their multitude of livestock. We then see Abram tell Lot to choose the land he wants and to depart from him.  Lot chooses the Jordan Valley and resides near Sodom while Abram resides in the land of Canaan.  Although Lot departs, this is not the end of the impact of Lot on Abram's life.  

However, Genesis 13:14-16 tells us what God has to say after Lot departs. "The Lord said to Abram after Lot had left him, Lift up now your eyes and look from the place where you are, northward and southward and eastward and westward;  For all the land which you see I will give to you and to your posterity forever.  And I will make your descendants like the dust of the earth, so that if a man could count the dust of the earth, then could your descendants also be counted." Notice how similar these words are to the original words God spoke to Abram back in Genesis 12:1-2.  But notice too that God does not speak these things until AFTER Lot leaves; after Abram is back in complete obedience to God's plan.

You see, Abram had a Lot in his life.  It was not a divinely assigned lot.  It was a self assigned lot.  It was never God's intention for Lot to go with Abram.  Aside from the family conflict and strife over grazing lands, the affects of Abram's self-appointed lot would reach much further.  We later see Abram rescuing the people and possessions of the kingdoms of Sodom and Gomorrah which included Lot and his family from King Chedorlaomer and his forces.  (Gen. 14:1-16)  In Chapter 19 of Genesis we read about Abram's pleading with God to spare Sodom from destruction.  (I'm certain the fact that this was where Lot and his family lived had something to do with it.) Angels are sent to help the family escape, but not before Lot's wife turns into a pillar of salt.  Poor and destitute, Lot and his daughters live in a cave and resort to incestuous relationships.  The family strife between Abram and Lot continue with Abram's descendants (Israel) and Lot's descendants (the Moabites and the Ammonites). (Gen. 19:36-38)  However, in God's faithfulness to restore families, He later reconciles these groups through the marriage of Ruth, the Moabitess and Boaz, the descendant of Judah.  (Ruth 4:13, 18-22)  Truly amazing how God works, isn't it?!  But also quite eye-opening and humbling that the decisions we make that run contrary to God's leading can have such disastrous implications.

So how did this all happen?  Why does this patriarch of the faith, not give full heed to God's original instructions?  Why would he allow Lot to come with him?  It seems completely out of Abram's character.  As I said before, we are never given an answer, however if we take a look back at the end of Genesis 11 we are given some clues that can help us deduce the possible reasons why.  You ready?   Here we go.

In Genesis 11:27-31 we are told about the family of Terah, Abram's father.  Terah has three sons: Abram, Nahor, and Haran.  Haran is the father of Lot and is deceased. We also learn that Nahor has a wife and children and that Abram and his wife, Sarai (later to be known as Sarah), have no children because she is barren.  Terah decides to leave Ur of the Chaldees and go to Canaan.  He takes with him Lot, Abram, and Sarai ... obviously leaving Nahor and his family behind.  However, when they reach Haran they "settle there."

There are three fascinating points to be seen here.  First, since Abram and Sarai had no children and Lot's father was deceased, it is likely that in order to fill the emptiness in Abram's home and the brokenness of Lot's heart, Abram and Sarai took Lot under their wing as a son.  Over and over again God speaks to Abram about his posterity, about making him a great nation, about his numerous descendants.  They could have easily mistaken Lot as the descendant all these promises would come through.  But once Abram asks Lot to leave, God reiterates His plan of descendants through Abram.  They would later be tempted again to make a human way for all this to happen.  His name is Ishmael. No, neither Lot nor Ishmael could be a substitute for Isaac.

Second, I personally find it very interesting that Terah feels led to leave Ur of Chaldees and go to Canaan.  Canaan ... the very place God eventually leads Abram.  Canaan ... the very land that is promised to his descendants, the people of Israel.  All this leads me to wonder if God spoke to Terah about Canaan long before He spoke to Abram about it.  The fact that Canaan is the hopeful destination of Terah and eventual destination of Abram is no coincidence, but obviously, this side of heaven, I'll never know.  (*Amendment from original post ... I always want to be sure to correct myself if I am wrong, and as of this morning's Bible study, I have learned two new things that shed contrasting light to this point.  Joshua  24:2 states that Terah worshipped other gods clearly indicating  that Terah never heard from the Lord concerning Canaan. Both Genesis 15:7 and Acts 7:2 back this up.  This is why it's so important to be in corporate study that's being taught by someone who went to seminary!)

Thirdly, and to me the most profound point, Terah wanted to go to Canaan, yet the Bible says "but when they came to Haran, they settled there." (Gen. 11:31)  I hardly find it coincidental that the name of the place he "settled" was the same name as his son who died - Haran.  Some may think I am reading too much into this, but I don't think so.  I think this is so symbolic of our human nature to get stuck in life's most devastating disappointments.  In our brokenness and deep grief we can become willing to settle instead of pressing on to what lies ahead. (Phil. 3:13-14)  Haran might of been good, but Canaan was God's best.  Terah allowed himself to get stuck, and believe me, I say that without an ounce of condemnation as I can clearly see my own Harans.  I believe it is very possible that Abram saw this in his father and couldn't bare to leave Lot behind.  Terah was stuck in the loss of his son, and Lot could've easily become stuck there too, in the loss of his father.

All of this has spoken so intimately and profoundly to my heart about carefully examining my perceived lots in life.  Are the things I am engaged in God ordained lots or self-assigned lots?  Have I taken on a lot out of obligation or out of a genuine calling?  Has the season of a God ordained lot passed, but I have not let it go? Am I doing things because they look right or seem fair, or am I actively pursuing God's will and being obedient to it regardless of my perception? Because really the bottom line is this, we can do a thing and it can be good but not necessarily God.  However, if we will wait on Him and do His thing in His timing it will be God's very best. I do not want my impatience or human rationalization to keep me from God's best.  I want to be obedient.  And although all of that convicts my spirit, I am also ever aware and grateful for God's amazing grace.  The same grace that is evident in Abram's life long before the age of grace was ushered in through Jesus Christ.

So how is it that a man who stumbled in so many ways was still so blessed?  Was it because of God's grace? Was it because he was chosen?  Was it because God made it so?  Was it because God's nature is to be loving, compassionate, and merciful?  Yes, yes, yes, and yes.  But there is something else worth pointing out about this great man. He was pure of heart.  How do I know that, you might ask? Through the course of Abraham's life, God appears to him many times.  What does the Bible say about those who see God?  Here are the words of Jesus in Matthew 5:8, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."  And what do we know about how the Lord sees man?  1 Samuel 16:7 says, "For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."  In spite of the outward mistakes, God saw a heart that was pure of motive and fully devoted to Him.  I believe this made all the difference, not only in Abraham's life, but in yours and mine as well.

Can I tell you how grateful I am for this account in Genesis and even more grateful to see this righteous and yet flawed man that would emerge out of the pages of Genesis and graduate to the Great Hall of Faith found in Hebrews Chapter 11?!  I don't know about you but this tattered, torn, and weary woman needs to see that faith works in tandem with the faithfulness of God.  He is the very source of our faith ... the Author and Finisher of it! He ever goes before us to make a way.  He uses our mistakes to teach us, opposition to refine us, obstacles to strengthen us, and in our missteps He faithfully re-positions us to bring us right back to the blessing He has prepared, promised, and waiting for us all along. Let us be obedient to His call but know without a shadow of a doubt that His grace is truly sufficient to cover our mistakes.  "He earnestly remembers and imprints on His heart that we are dust,"  and boy, am I one thankful human that He does! (Ps. 103:14)